So I'm sitting here tonight listening to music. Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it's bad. Music brings out the best and the worst in me; I have a lot of memories wrapped around music. A song that has history will bring me back to those times of first hearing the song, and then other times I will listen to the song and see how it reflects in my personal life. I was currently listening to "Mama's Song" by Carrie Underwood, and I had come to realize that I will never have that. I will never have a mother that worries about the guy I'm dating whether or not he's good to me. I no longer have my father to tell me his opinion of him, or to threaten him to be good to me.

My mother had a stroke back in 1998, I had just turned 5 years old. It left her a left side hemiplegic. Meaning that she no longer has full use of her left side. She is now wheelchair bound and from what I'm told of her, she is totally different. I don't remember her too much except for the day of her accident. I was a complete accident and she makes no mistake of telling me this. My father was my hero, however I didn't know this until his passing in 2011.

I had grown up with my aunt for reasons that are somewhat known. What you have to know about my aunt is that she wasn't exactly the maternal type, she's trying but it's just not there. That house was just very violent in general, we'll leave it at that. In October of 2011 I had moved out and went to live with someone whom I had thought of when I was younger as a mother figure. I felt loved by her, but then again I was a kid and her being someone that loved kids, that was normal. I moved in with her thinking that everything was going to be like it was 10 years prior, but much to my being naive, it wasn't. A lot of things had happened living with her for roughly 8 months, I still harbor some anger with that situation as well, because I felt that I was never able to get out everything I needed to say. I'm not sure what exactly her entire problem with me is. I know when someone is or has been talking about me, and I always get that vibe from her anymore. I guess I'm just too good hearted. I would do what ever she needed done or what I could do to help her and it feels like I just keep getting kicked in the face. I love her like a mother, but now that she finally has a baby of her own, I realize that she doesn't want to be mine. She constantly puts me down, about stupid little things that shouldn't even really be any of her concern, I mean I'm 20 years old. I don't know why her words affect me as much as they do. I wasn't one to succom to peer pressure in high school. But, if she says something about what I wearing, or how my makeup looks or something to that effect. I will completely change it just so I don't have to hear the comments, whether they are made in front of me or behind my back, because I always find out. Then when I do something wrong like make a little slip of the tongue of something that may have insulted her, I feel the need to apologize right away. Why, you may ask? Well, it's because I care too damn much. From her telling me about how in the past all the crap people have done to her, I didn't want to be one of those people. I don't like hurting people's feelings. But this person has no qualms about hurting mine.

This is only what's on the surface of my mind. Should I dig any deeper and we might be venturing into dangerous territory. lol. This was supposed to be a blog about how I won't have my mother to approve my boyfriend, or how I won't have my dad to walk me down the aisle. However this blog is not for things being in a nice orderly fashion, this blog is going to be about what my current situation is and why I'm in it, or why I'm feeling the way I am.